National eating disorder awareness (NEDA) week was last week. I thought all week about posting something about it, trying to be uplifting and positive, but I can't. I can't go on pintrest and search uplifting messages to share, or even worse- negative messages (which to me are beautiful motivational messages) to share. Going on pintrest and seeing eating disorder post, or memes or whatever, twists my stomach into knots. And that is how I know I am not okay. If I go on pintrest and see even one ED post I will fall into the black hole of relapsing.
It is so frustrating to be in such a good place mentally and still hate myself same days. Some days I can throw on a pair of expensive jeans and take pictures of myself in the mirror all day long, (seriously, this was 1 of 20 pictures I took, while at work 🤣), admiring my thick thighs and loving that I actually LOVE my "fuller" figure.
Then there are days I come across pictures like this and am in love with how thin I look.I'm sure a part of this is the camera angle, but I can still admire it and think *this* is
I guess I can say that I am in a good enough place to know that I need to eat. Mainly b/c now, thanks to me trying to be an advocate or whatever, too many people know and I feel like everyone is always watching me. But also, I know that with my work schedule, I would last barley a couple of days before I ended up in the hospital.
I am sorry for this that read this expecting something informative, or uplifting, or whatever, but this is what I could write. I wanted to write something helpful, but the google images that came up were too triggering.
A couple weeks ago I couldn't sleep. I sent my sister a text, knowing that she was also sleeping for work and wouldn't respond right away. It was a pretty raw text, a text of feelings I just needed to get out if I wanted any hope of sleeping for work. It wasn't long, but I woke up to her response 'I have never related to a single text more in my life'. And that was all I needed. I didn't know it is what I needed, but it was. I needed to feel validated, like I mattered, not to necessarily talk everything out all heart to heart. I'll be okay, she will be okay, and so will you.
"Slay your demons Princess, then fix your crown"
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