Prompt

Today is prompt day and I've been thinking about this prompt all month and debating on writing it out, but I'm just gonna go for it!

                                                    "What do you need to let go of"

When I first saw this prompt in my blog group, I was trying to decide if it meant like physical things, or emotionally. I decided that it's however I want to take it and I took it as emotional, and the only thing I can think of is hating my ex. I like to think I've become a much better and happier person since we broke up, but I still can't seem to get over hating him. To be honest, it's very frustating b/c for the most part I can talk to him all day through text or fb or whatever, but hanging out with him, seeing him, he annoys me so much I can't be nice to him. Maybe hate is too strong of a word, but there is definitely anger still towards him. I feel like after 3 years it should be gone, but I can't let it go. I think part of it is b/c for the last 2ish years he's tried to convince me that getting back together is a good idea. Which not only is it not, but I have to feelings for him anymore, well positive feelings anyways. And it's so frustrating and irritating that NOW he wants to try and act like a decent person, and say all the things he should have said years ago. Now, he sees how he acted, and wants to be different, and no matter how many times I say no, he doesn't hear me. Before I moved out, and we still lived together I fell for his act, and then was thrown to the side every time he found something better. Then guess who came crawling back, every time. I wasn't that emotioanlly involved, but it still pissed me off he thought he could use me, and play with me just b/c I was there. Moving out was the happiest day of my life.

I blame him completely for us not being together, and now that he also sees that and can admit to it, it makes it a little better but not much. It doesn't change the fact that I wasted years of my life, and all of my energy on a relationship that failed b/c he didn't want to work for us. I blame him/our relationship on the reason why I can't seem to find a new relationship now. I realize that most of this is probably not justified but I can't help it. I hate him.

Being around him makes me so anxious. I hate how everyone acts, I hate how nice he is to everyone, I hate when he tries to act like we are a family. WE.ARE.NOT.A.FAMILY!!  When we went to Disney it was torture. It probably didn't help that we fought for the entire 2 weeks before the trip. And I mean Fought. Like the worst fights we had had in a while. Then he wanted to just ignore it all, and play family for the weekend and I wasn't interested. His desire to play family when it suits me is probably part of the reason I can't seem to stop hating him. He has no family left, his mother and brother don't speak to him and his dad passed away before I even met him, so he clings to us being a family, and that is not how that works.  He gets mad every year for Father's day b/c I make him split the day with my dad. He thinks I should not see MY dad on Father's day, and spend the day with him, whose been my ex for 3 years. Anyways, back to Disney. I wanted to be nice to him, I really did, but I just couldn't. Usually after being around him for like an hour or so I could fake it, and then maybe eventually be civil. But every morning as soon as we woke up I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried. And then our son would be rude to me and my x would claim it was b/c I was being mean to him. I looked at him one morning and said well when our son is old enough I will explain to him I why I have a hard time being nice to you. He didn't say anything about me being mean to him after that. I know he was trying to have a good trip, but really, the best part of the trip was when I hung out with his mom the night we got into Florida and the night he wanted to sleep so I took our son  to the park by myself. We met Belle and watched the fireworks <3 if it wasn't raining we would have stayed longer, but it was chilly and raining.

I also blame him for where I am in life. He held me back from getting decent jobs b/c he either refused to take me to the interview, or told me he would make sure he had class scheduled then and wouldn't be home to watch our son. So b/c I had no backbone during our relationship, I sat back and supported him through school, and supported him moving us out of state for a career that flopped. I waited b/c he kept telling me my time would come. And then he left me when the time was good for me to go back to school, or find a "real" job. I make okay money now, and again I know it's not rational, but I hate that I am 32 and still don't have a career, while he does, and has a townhouse (that I found and wanted for us to begin with), he's doing okay, and I am not. I chose to support my fiance, just like so many other females, and then my turn never came.

Sadly, the anger towards him has gotten better, but it still doesn't keep me from wishing he would fall of a cliff more often than not. I know it's not really fair, and it's something I need to work on, but not right now. Right now I'm still angry and bitter.

Prompt

I've been really bad about keeping up with my blog group this much which really makes me sad, b/c I love writing in here. So I'm going to do my best to write every day for the next week <3

Prompt: Bullet your day

I have a couple different ways my day goes which I like. I like that my day isn't the same boring thing every day. Here are 2 different ways my days go.

-Midnight-830a work
-If I am off from my part time job and actually do what I should, I go to sleep until 2 when I get up to go get my son from school
-if i do have to work I deal with animals, grab coffee and go to work
-get back home, and hang out until I drop him off with his dad (6pm 2 days a week, 8p 3 nights a week, which change based on my schedule)
-make dinner if its an 8p drop off day. Which my son won't eat b/c he wants to annoy me
-come home and put on netflix
-set 14 (literally) alarms
-sleep
-wake up 5 mins before I have to leave
-make coffee
-show up barley on time for work.


If I am off work
-wake up at 630
-get my son all packed up, deal with the animals
-wake up the kid and fight with him about getting dressed
-chick fil a is our special breakfast spot that I take him to on school mornings.
-drop him off at school
-go home and pretend I am going to clean the house
-spend the rest of the day being worthless on fb
-pick kid up
-go home and hang out till drop off time
****
-If I am off this night, we do bath
-hang out watching a movie or do game night
-read a story put him to bed
-sit up watching netflix/hulu until bed time for me


Most days I feel like I'm so busy my head my explode, and then some days I'm so bored! I like that it's not the same boring 9-5 job schedule though

Spotlight Saturday

As if I really needed a new show to distract me from things I should actually be doing, but I started Nashville a couple weeks ago. I guess it's been on for awhile, I didn't know. So I'm 6 seasons behind, but I am sure since I love ignoring responsibilities and binge watching TV, I'll be caught up in no time.

I'm almost done with season 1 and I have to say I HATE the husband....The power couple of the show, Rayna Jaymes and her husband Teddy, are fine in the beginning. Then he runs for mayor thanks to the influence of his father in law, Rayna's dad. Somewhere along the campaign. an old flame of his coming back in the picture. Pictures are reveled of Teddy and Peggy are leaked during the campaign by his opponent in hopes to make Teddy withdraw from the race. Rayna discovers another secret about Teddy and Peggy and asks for space. She then decides to cover up her asking for space from the public, by going on tour. While she's out on tour Teddy has an affair with Peggy. Which results in him flying to Chicago where Rayna is, and asks her for a divorce. HE ASKED HER FOR A DIVORCE IN THE MIDDLE OF HER TOUR. Which is whatever, that isn't the part where I started to hate him I didn't even hate him for the affair b/c Rayna was 5 seconds away from having an affair herself when her husband showed up at her hotel door. Here is where I started to hate him, days after he filed for divorce he wanted her to come home so they could tell their girls. I get wanting to tell them before they found out in the tabloids, but really, calm your tits Teddy, its been less than a week since you told her you wanted a divorce. She hasn't had time to process it herself, how is she supposed to tell her kids. All of a sudden, the caring and understanding, loving husband has turned into a fucking asshole. He's being rude to her on the phone for no reason. Rayna comes home, the tell the kids and that night, the older one, whose 13, tells her mom that she overheard her dad on the phone with Peggy and she knows he's seeing her already. The next day Rayna goes to the Mayors office (Oh yeah, he won the race) and confronts Teddy and he tells her its not any of her business. EXCUSE ME?!?! You are not even legally separated yet you are technically cheating!!!!! and you tell her it's non of her business?!?! In my state at least, she could fuck you 10 ways from Sunday for everything you have. This continues. He is a total ass to her for absolutely no fucking reason.  She is nice and civil and can't  get the same respect. They have to decide to share their house I guess for now, that way the kids don't have to be shuffled back and fourth. They alternate weeks. Rayna asks that teddy doesn't bring Peggy into the house. He hangs up on her when she says this, and what does he do BRINGS HER OVER TO SPEND THE WEEK when Rayna brings the kids on tour with her. UGH!! Men are suchs pigs....Peggy has her own house go the fuck over there you disrespectful asshole!!!!

On the other side of that, the other main character, Julliet Barnes, I hated from the first episode, but she's growing on me now.

I'm really enjoying this show, even though it's fiction, it's kind of an inside peak of the music industry.

Pin-it Tuesday

My son's dad has the flu, ugh! And I have this irrational fear that my son, who has never gotten the flu before, is going to get it, be hospitalized, and die. So I've been looking up things to prevent us from getting it, and to potentially help my son's dad get over it.  Times like this are one of many where I really fucking hate working overnights and sharing custody b/c I really just want to lock me and my son in a bubble for the next week. But here are some cool and easy ideas I found on Pintrest!

This looks like something I actually want to do on a weekly basis....

My son's dad loves makers mark so I saw this for him, and if I liked him enough I would have even gone to the store to get for him haha!

Besides the ginger, which I have in my head that I hate with a passion although I've never actually it, this sounds good!

Prompt

The other day was Prompt day! I missed it b/c I did a wrap up instead. I don't have my son today, so I figured it would be a good day to catch up, and I think this was a topic my son actually picked! 

Would you rather live in the country or city?

If I had to pick one or the other, I think it would be hard. I've lived in the country before and it sucked. We were so far out, we didn't have cell service and couldn't get internet. Honestly, we barley spent any time at home b/c it was so boring. It was a good 30 mins from town and there was no running to the store if you forgot something for dinner. You went to town once for the day and stayed there until it was time to come home. This was bout 9 years ago though so maybe cell service and internet are available, who knows. But I'm still not sure I would live that far out, esp sharing custody with my son's dad. 

With that said though, I also hate the city. In my experiences, being in the city means shitty parking and loud noise everywhere all the time. I also don't  like having to walk places, and that's what city living is to me. My moms best friend lives in NYC and likes it enough but as far as like going to the store? It sucks. You have to go every day b/c you can't carry more than a days worth of groceries. When my mom goes to visit, she has to keep going out and moving her car b/c the only parking around his place is 2 hour or 3 hour parking. My sister lives in a big city too and walks everywhere. Or pays to have thing delivered. When she moved out there she didn't even bring her truck b/c she knew she wouldn't need it. I will say that my dad lived on the downtown mall we have in town and that was really cool. I stayed with him when I visited for Christmas, and since I didn't have a car it was cool to just walk out the front door and be able to walk on the mall. I think if you're young without kids and enjoy busy life or nightlife, the city is perfect.

I think a perfect middle ground would be somewhere kind of like my hometown. There is country living that's not far out. But like maybe 15 mins away from town. You have some land, or at the very least a yard, you aren't far from the store or Walmart, restaurants are close, when you leave the house you don't have to pack up to be gone all day, and its far enough away you aren't bothered by the busy city life. When I buy a house I have 3 neighborhoods in mind, and one is in the country. All I really want is to have a yard for my dogs, a porch, and my son wants a porch swing. 

January Wrap-up

I set my reading goal for the year pretty low, or I guess the same as last year, b/c I didn't think I would be able to listen to audio books anymore at work. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm just too tired most of the time to pay attention to actual books. But this month I was able to listen to audio books more than not at work and I hit 7 books for the month! That leave me at 4 books above schedule for my goal.

★★★★★

I started this series in Sepemeber and I am not sure why it took me so long to read the 3rd book. I read the first 2 back to back and loved them, and this book was no different. It's the same story told by the 3 people involved in the love triangle. I almost always enjoy a love triangle told by the male perspective! 

★★

I really need to stop reading this author. Problem is, when I am looking on Kindle Unlimited for books I usually look at the cover, and then glance over what its about and then download it. When I  find out that I have once again picked a book by this author I am SO annoyed at myself. 

★★★

A story about women helping out in the war did satistfy my interest in reading war stories, however it was a little too romance for me. There really wasn't even that much, but the main girl joins the war in hopes to find her missing fiance. A guy, first off she got engaged to after knowing for a few weeks. And they were only been engaged 3 months I think? before they stopped receiving letters. Maybe its just b/c I have a black heart, but I am not sure I would be joining the war to find a guy I've known maybe 6 months. She was so dedicated to him and it just didn't make sense to me. But I guess that was the time back then. I did very much enjoy the bonds the women formed during their time in the war. 

★★★

The first memior I've read in forever!! The author is apparently a famous blogger? Or something, I am not sure, I've never heard of her. It was about her life growing up in a house of hoarders. I think I plan on writing a whole review on this one. I will say, I did enjoy that this book focused on her childhood and her life after, equally. She didn't focus on every little detail of her childhood, and talked about her life after moving out too. I will agree with some of the good reads reviews and say that she did jump around a lot and that was confusing.  

★★★★

I read a book, by a male author, and ENJOYED it!!! I will admit, I picked this solely based on the cover, and when I saw that my sister in law read it and loved it, I almost put it back. I love my sister in law but she is definitely more intelligent that me and a lot of the books she reads are way over my head. But I very much enjoyed this one. 

★★★

The second book in the series and I didn't enjoy it as much. The series is something like 8 books long and I am glad that I don't really need to read each to see how the story ends. So I think I will stop with this book. 

★★

A friend in my book club was talking about this book so I went for it. As much as I love Disney movies, I have to admit I don't know much of this story, so I went into this with not much expectation. The book was *OK* until part 4, it was entirely too rushed and I feel like it just ended. All of a sudden you hear "and the lived happily ever ever" wait....what?! Apparently the book had a lot of art work on the pages, but I listened to it, so I didn't see the pictures. This was definitely my worst enjoyed book of the month.