Prompt

Today is prompt day and I've been thinking about this prompt all month and debating on writing it out, but I'm just gonna go for it!

                                                    "What do you need to let go of"

When I first saw this prompt in my blog group, I was trying to decide if it meant like physical things, or emotionally. I decided that it's however I want to take it and I took it as emotional, and the only thing I can think of is hating my ex. I like to think I've become a much better and happier person since we broke up, but I still can't seem to get over hating him. To be honest, it's very frustating b/c for the most part I can talk to him all day through text or fb or whatever, but hanging out with him, seeing him, he annoys me so much I can't be nice to him. Maybe hate is too strong of a word, but there is definitely anger still towards him. I feel like after 3 years it should be gone, but I can't let it go. I think part of it is b/c for the last 2ish years he's tried to convince me that getting back together is a good idea. Which not only is it not, but I have to feelings for him anymore, well positive feelings anyways. And it's so frustrating and irritating that NOW he wants to try and act like a decent person, and say all the things he should have said years ago. Now, he sees how he acted, and wants to be different, and no matter how many times I say no, he doesn't hear me. Before I moved out, and we still lived together I fell for his act, and then was thrown to the side every time he found something better. Then guess who came crawling back, every time. I wasn't that emotioanlly involved, but it still pissed me off he thought he could use me, and play with me just b/c I was there. Moving out was the happiest day of my life.

I blame him completely for us not being together, and now that he also sees that and can admit to it, it makes it a little better but not much. It doesn't change the fact that I wasted years of my life, and all of my energy on a relationship that failed b/c he didn't want to work for us. I blame him/our relationship on the reason why I can't seem to find a new relationship now. I realize that most of this is probably not justified but I can't help it. I hate him.

Being around him makes me so anxious. I hate how everyone acts, I hate how nice he is to everyone, I hate when he tries to act like we are a family. WE.ARE.NOT.A.FAMILY!!  When we went to Disney it was torture. It probably didn't help that we fought for the entire 2 weeks before the trip. And I mean Fought. Like the worst fights we had had in a while. Then he wanted to just ignore it all, and play family for the weekend and I wasn't interested. His desire to play family when it suits me is probably part of the reason I can't seem to stop hating him. He has no family left, his mother and brother don't speak to him and his dad passed away before I even met him, so he clings to us being a family, and that is not how that works.  He gets mad every year for Father's day b/c I make him split the day with my dad. He thinks I should not see MY dad on Father's day, and spend the day with him, whose been my ex for 3 years. Anyways, back to Disney. I wanted to be nice to him, I really did, but I just couldn't. Usually after being around him for like an hour or so I could fake it, and then maybe eventually be civil. But every morning as soon as we woke up I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried. And then our son would be rude to me and my x would claim it was b/c I was being mean to him. I looked at him one morning and said well when our son is old enough I will explain to him I why I have a hard time being nice to you. He didn't say anything about me being mean to him after that. I know he was trying to have a good trip, but really, the best part of the trip was when I hung out with his mom the night we got into Florida and the night he wanted to sleep so I took our son  to the park by myself. We met Belle and watched the fireworks <3 if it wasn't raining we would have stayed longer, but it was chilly and raining.

I also blame him for where I am in life. He held me back from getting decent jobs b/c he either refused to take me to the interview, or told me he would make sure he had class scheduled then and wouldn't be home to watch our son. So b/c I had no backbone during our relationship, I sat back and supported him through school, and supported him moving us out of state for a career that flopped. I waited b/c he kept telling me my time would come. And then he left me when the time was good for me to go back to school, or find a "real" job. I make okay money now, and again I know it's not rational, but I hate that I am 32 and still don't have a career, while he does, and has a townhouse (that I found and wanted for us to begin with), he's doing okay, and I am not. I chose to support my fiance, just like so many other females, and then my turn never came.

Sadly, the anger towards him has gotten better, but it still doesn't keep me from wishing he would fall of a cliff more often than not. I know it's not really fair, and it's something I need to work on, but not right now. Right now I'm still angry and bitter.